For He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways. In their hands they shall bear you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone. —Psalm 91:11-12
I made it through surgery! I have more hope that I may experience much less chronic pain, and that would be amazing. There is one person especially I wish I could share that hope with. I know he’s watching over me as I go through recovery and come closer to hope, but the one person I thought could understand some of what I was going through—and how valuable that this hope, to combat this pain, really is—isn’t here anymore.
My grandfather and I had a few things in common, including chronic pain. Neither of us were happy that we had the condition, but I always thought my grandfather could somewhat understand what going through daily, debilitating pain felt like.
Our pain was different. My grandfather was obviously quite a bit older than me, so his pain wasn’t really due to a medical condition but some of what comes with aging. My grandfather had very severe back pain that no one should ever have to deal with. About the time my chronic pain began, my grandfather began to have awful, chronic headaches.
My grandfather was my inspiration. I always knew him to have back pain, but for a long time I was oblivious to his struggle because I was so young. My grandfather was in severe pain, and he had to have a procedure where the nerves in his back were burned. No matter the pain he was in, my grandfather always managed to muster a smile for me and my sister. My grandfather had so much passion and love for life. When my grandfather developed his headaches, it became more obvious to me that he was in pain, and it was harder for him to do activities. My grandfather’s smile, his laugh, and his huge personality despite his pain was my inspiration especially as my pain started.
My grandfather and I were both put on so many medicines—some worked slightly, some didn’t. A nine-year-old with chronic pain is treated conservatively, but my grandfather was put on so many combinations of medications with high dosages. It got to the point where my grandfather was in severe pain every day, no matter the medicines he took. It was hard for him to get out of bed on some days because the pain was so bad, but no matter what my grandfather was always happy to see us.
Both of us expressed that we wished to take the other’s pain away. My grandparents moved from their large house in Mississippi to a rental house in Central and started building a house behind ours. I started eighth grade and both my grandfather and I were still having chronic pain. The two of us didn’t talk about it excessively, but we always asked each other how our pain was that day and said that we wished we could take on the other’s pain.
Nothing happened the way I expected. For some reason, although I was getting older, I thought that my grandfather and I would both find some miracle medicine that would take our aches and pains away. I was naïve, but I expected our medicines to eventually start working completely and then the two of us could move on with our lives.
It hurt me more to see my grandpa in pain than it did to be in pain myself, so I was grateful that my grandfather’s pain was relieved first. I just selfishly wish it didn’t happen the way it did.
For a few days, my grandfather was ecstatic that he had no headaches. And then he passed out and was taken to the hospital. After two days, the doctors discovered that my grandfather had internal bleeding and he passed away.
I was devastated. The death of my grandfather was so unexpected. We had gotten so close and he was one of the easiest people to talk to in the world. And now he was gone.
I struggled with his death. I knew he was in pain, but I didn’t understand why God couldn’t find another way to take his pain. I know Heaven is our eternal reward, but selfishly I wanted my grandfather to be here on Earth with me. I was conflicted because I was so glad my grandfather’s pain was finally gone, but I missed him so much and miss him still.
And I felt that the rest of my chronic pain journey I would have to face without anyone who understood.
Two years after he died, I am still living with chronic pain, and I just had my femoral osteotomy surgery. I know my grandfather was watching over me. He gives me hope and inspiration daily. During my recovery, I have missed my grandfather especially and I wish he was here to talk to.
He would be so happy that I finally found hope after all this time. He would be proud that I am trying my best to recover and relearn how to walk. My grandfather is my angel. I am grateful he found his peace. I just wish he was here while I am on the journey to finding mine.
Already, I have seen some success with the surgery. On the first day, lying in the bed in the hospital, my left foot was straight for the first time in my entire life. And when I stood up and took my first steps after surgery, holding onto the walker, my left foot was straight when it never had been before. My grandfather and God blessed me with a little miracle.
My grandfather isn’t here anymore, as much as I wish he was. However, he is with me, and I like to think I have some of his spirit, which inspires me to keep going and never give up. My grandfather will always be my inspiration. And my hope is that, eventually, neither of us will be in pain anymore.