Hey, it’s me! How are you doing? I know you won’t believe this right now (it seems so far away for you) but I just finished freshman year of high school! Obviously, I knew I would get to that point eventually, but we’ve had to go through a lot to get here.
I remember eighth grade vividly. It’s not that far back for me at all. Academically, eighth grade was great. But we have always struggled with friendships, Younger Self, and in eighth grade those insecurities raged inside of me even more back then. I had like three close friends in eighth grade. I doubted whether those friendships would last, not because of a lack of loyalty but because of my insecurities.
My legs held me back from making friends. For the longest time, I was scared to be vulnerable and admit that I needed help. I wasn’t exactly closed off, but I kept my mouth shut about my differences unless there was no other choice. But that path is really lonely. I’m sure you know that by now. CP does not define us. CP is a part of us, though, and we don’t have to hide it anymore. There are amazing people out there who have accepted me wholeheartedly, legs and all.
I remember the place you are in your life, Younger Self. I was such a different person before freshman year. I knew what I needed, but I was afraid to take up space. I was hurting and would have continued to bottle up that hurt if I had not learned to advocate for myself. It’s hard and it’s scary and it means you have to let people hear your voice. But there will be people who are willing to listen, I promise.
I did not belong in eighth grade. I joined academic clubs, but I didn’t find myself there. I didn’t find a sense of home. Home exists outside of the house, Younger Self, but you have to put yourself out there. In eighth grade, I was desperate to play a sport so I could have a team bonding experience. But my legs wouldn’t cooperate. I had friends, but I craved a team—a feeling I really didn’t have a name for.
Well, I’ve found it. No, it’s not a traditional team. My talented theatre class is what I wanted but never expected—it’s my home away from home. My second family. My friends who understand me. My friends in theatre offer me comfort and acceptance. We joke around but they always offer to help me. My legs don’t deter my theatre friends from wanting to spend time with me. I don’t have to hide my differences; they make me unique. I use my voice in theater—both to act and to speak an opinion or thought—and I am heard. Despite the help I need, my friends see me, not just my legs.
I really have come a long way. In eighth grade, I was still extremely cautious and raw from being bullied in sixth grade. Now, I haven’t forgotten those memories, but I have risen above them. In eighth grade, I felt hopeless, like I’d never escape the pain that lived inside my muscles and joints. I know it probably feels hopeless to you right now, Younger Self, but there is hope. I am so close. The form that this hope comes in is scary, and I would be lying if I told you I am not afraid. But hope to eliminate this pain is not something I had before high school, and I have that hope now.
I know you didn’t expect to change. I never expected that freshman year would be so much better for me. I gained confidence. I experienced healthy friendships. I learned how it feels to belong. Most importantly, I learned to trust. I have hope. I have learned that when life gets tough, I don’t give up. I have learned that humanity is so much more beautiful than I ever gave us credit for.
I don’t have to be ashamed of my legs. I have friends who accept me and my cerebral palsy. It’s okay to ask for help, and I never would have known these things if I wouldn’t have given freshman year a chance.
I am so glad that I met so many amazing friends this year who have a seemingly limitless capacity for kindness. I have seen the best in myself during my first year in high school, and I have seen the best in others.
So yes, Younger Self, starting high school can be scary. But freshman year will be one of the best years of your life so far. You will meet a girl who you consider one of your best friends. You will learn so much about your capacity for strength, and the capacity for kindness in other people that you never realized was possible.
Give freshman year a chance. You will grow into your own person and learn to trust and hope.
Good luck in this next chapter of your life. I’m rooting for you!
Love,
Ainsley (now a sophomore)