Reflection

 When you look in the mirror…. what do you see?

Some answers to this might be your hair, long or short, your height, tall or short, or maybe your eyes, whether you think they’re an interesting color or big, whatever the reason. Each of us see different things when we look in the mirror. Do we see what we consider our “flaws” or the features that we are proud of?

This past weekend, I was out shopping for clothes when I passed by a large mirror. I stopped, a bit in surprise and a little self-consciously. I had noticed my legs and the way they twisted when I walked.

Believe me, I was not surprised that my feet were turned in. I’m aware that I walk like that usually, except for when I’m unusually loose or if I’m thinking about my feet. But for some reason, on this particular shopping trip, it hit me that this is how people might see me. A dorky-looking (which I’m not ashamed of) little girl with twisted-in feet. To be clear, this is not something to be ashamed of. I have a disability, a difference, and that is perfectly okay! All I’m saying is that right then I felt a little self-conscious and a little too aware of how I might have been perceived. 

This might have bothered me for two reasons—one, because I work hard at physical therapy—until I’m exhausted, even—but as we all know, hard work doesn’t always lead to perfection. I am unbelievably appreciative of my circumstances, but at the store looking in that mirror I was a little depressed that my hard work hadn’t paid off quite as much as I had wanted it to. I know I am going to have to work hard, and I accept that. But I was bothered anyway.

The second reason that I was bothered is because I frequently make the mistake that a mirror is an accurate perception of what others see. This is not true. Mirrors cannot show our hardships and our struggles, our triumphs or our joys or our personalities, or our defining attributes. A mirror can only show what’s on the outside, and maybe not even an accurate depiction of that. The thing is, sometimes when we look in mirrors, we only see what we think of as our flaws.

“Oh, is my hair messed up?”

“Ugh, my face looks weird.”

But mirrors can also show the features that we like—whether you have “perfect” lips or sparkling eyes or whatever else. 

So do you choose to focus on the good or the bad? Because here’s the thing—because mirrors can only show what’s on the outside, mirrors are actually very limited if you think of it that way. And if others choose to see only what’s on the outside of a person—not their personalities or passions—then those people are pretty limited, too.

If people choose to “see” me based on my legs, then that is their choice and their problem. And they really don’t see me at all. They don’t see all I’ve gone through. They don’t see my accomplishments or my sorrows. The only thing they see—or choose to see—is legs and feet that turn in a little. Wow. What a limited view.

So how do you see yourself? 

The next time you need to reflect on yourself, don’t look in a mirror! No matter how much we all rely on it, a mirror can only show us so much!

Why I Love Fireworks (And Why I Don’t)

 

Happy July 4th!! Happy birthday, America! In honor of the holiday, you may have celebrated. Maybe that included a barbecue or brunch with family. Maybe you watched movies. Most likely, you also either purchased or saw fireworks. 

Fireworks are big and beautiful and sparkly. They go off with a boom that signals you that a firework is coming. No big deal, right? Just a signature sound. If you think that, your experience is oh-so-different than mine. As a person with SPD (sensory processing disorder), that sound is not far off from torture. I think my dog and I are in total agreement. (He hates fireworks.) Fireworks are so pretty, but without headphones, the noise would make me cower and hold my ear closed with my finger and/or shoulder. I love the fireworks, but I can only sit outside and watch for a few minutes before the sound overwhelms me—sometimes even with headphones on. I always feel like I’m spoiling the fun when I say I’m ready to go inside. 

To solve this problem, my family gets sparklers that don’t make any sound. They’re pretty and they don’t make noise. But when the sparkler lights on fire and makes a flash, I guess I either expect it to make noise or burn my hands. (I almost burned my shirt once.) In spite of my sensory problems, I enjoy waving sparklers around my backyard and celebrating the Fourth of July.

The birth of America is really special, and there are different ways to celebrate it. Maybe fireworks aren’t for me, but that’s okay. There are plenty of things that I can do to celebrate.

Making the Best of It

 You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy.

—Jane Marczweski

I heard this quote recently and thought about what it means. The quotee had gone through some hard times in her life and had had cancer up to three times, but was so tenacious that she did not let her obstacles discourage her. I think this can apply to people with disabilities as well as people with terminal illnesses. Some of us don’t have the time to wait to be happy, and some of our circumstances don’t get better quickly—they might be chronic. This is also called making the best of things, and it can be hard. I admittedly don’t do a good job of it all the time. Sometimes I feel like I have the right to sulk and pout until my pain just magically goes away, but the logical part of me knows that this is a waste of time. I don’t want to spend my life miserable because I’m in pain (although some days I do feel pretty bad). I think it is okay to acknowledge that circumstances are sometimes pretty unfair. Take some time to cry, yell, ask yourself why? but after that, try to ask yourself, How can I go forward? How can I be happiest, even through this difficult situation? 

I’m not saying to go through life being really active if it hurts you badly. I’m not saying to ignore your pain. I’m saying that it is good to find something you enjoy doing to help you not be entirely miserable—maybe (hopefully) even to be happy. 

Unfortunately, time runs out faster than we want it to. If you refuse to do anything because of your situation, you are letting it win. Of course, this is not always true. Some conditions can cause people to be bedridden or it is advised to be inactive. In that case, you are definitely not letting your condition win; you are doing what is best for yourself. Always do what is best for you! 

My point is that going through life depressed or sad is understandable. But some things aren’t going to get better, as much as we would wish them to improve. If this is the case, we might have to learn how we can function and enjoy life, even with our challenges. 

My Milestone

 Recently I got the news that I don’t need my braces—also known as AFOs (ankle foot orthotics)—anymore. I was ecstatic. I have had to wear AFOs since I was a little less than three years old. (I am almost thirteen now, so that’s a long time.) My AFOs helped me a lot, but to me they kind of got to be a visual representation of some baggage. That was probably because they were the main cause of  almost all of the comments, stares, and teasing of my childhood up to now. And that made me resent my AFOs. Do you know how hard—not to mention pointless—it is to resent something that you have to use day after day? The braces were uncomfortable and restricting. Every time I looked at them, I saw two things: (1) what I considered my limitations and (2) all the negative comments day after day. I felt helpless because as much as I hated my AFOs, I had to wear them at least five days a week. I know that situation is definitely not the worst and I’m sorry to sound ungrateful, but to a three- to nine-year-old kid, they are torture. The best I can say is that they sort of provided a bonding experience for me and my parents. One of them would take me to get the mold done and sit with me for the time it took to harden. They were also usually—until I got older—a favorable alternative to Botox, injections that loosen me up. I can remember a funny time with braces. My sister and I are twins, so in third grade we decided to switch places for the morning. It was so funny to watch her march around in braces! She frequently complained of how stiff they were, and she only had to wear them for one morning! 

There are some things I know my mom and dad won’t miss—when I was little, crying over having to wear them; when I was older, complaining about having to wear them; and one of my parents having to cram my big feet into my braces every morning. 

Now when I go someplace I don’t have to worry about people judging me as a girl who can’t run, or a girl who something is wrong with. I feel like my AFOs were all that people saw sometimes. Now I can be the girl who, yes, has a bit of a funny walk, but now hopefully people realize I am so much more than that. I know it is only insensitive people who judhe based on appearance, but I do not like knowing that anyone has a bad opinion of me, which is a weakness of mine. (It is definitely not bad to have or wear AFOs or anything but I do get tired of people staring.)

Mostly, I am appreciative that I got to wear something that helped me. When I complain about them, I am not seeing the bigger picture, and I know that. My AFOs were the best thing for me at the time. I am grateful to my parents for having my best interest at heart and for putting up with my complaints. (I’m sure I was quite a pill at times.)  My PT (physical therapist) has been with me since I was 14 months old and knows me very well. Thanks to him for many things but especially for helping me manage with AFOs. 

Getting my AFOS off was kind of like a mountain for me to climb. It was hard, yes. It was a challenge. But it was better for me, not only from a physical aspect, but also in terms of what I could handle. And yes, wearing braces, again, is definitely not nearly as bad as some other situations out there. But for me, it was difficult. It was one of my childhood milestones. And it may not have been a “normal”  milestone (what is normal, anyway?) like losing your baby teeth or turning a certain age, but to me, the milestone of getting my AFOs was special and every bit as much of a milestone as the usual childhood milestones. 

Break Me

 I try so hard

Is it ever

Enough?

I will

Not break in front of you

I try to tell myself...

I am

Unshakable 

Unbreakable!

But am I 

Enough

When I shatter

Inside

Their comments

Are like a sharp

Knife

Piecing me apart

One by one

Hurting me, tearing me

but I

am the only one who knows.

An intake of breath

A silent

Reminder

My head stops

Pounding

and I am me

again.

Torn by the whispers,

Broken by the stares,

I

Am not

Myself.

Letting them 

Make me

A follower

I am a leader

My own thoughts 

My own standards

Separate from theirs

I refuse to shatter.

I will not break

They can

Taunt me

Tease me

They can

Cut me

With their laughs

I am stronger.

My heart may break

My mind may clash

But I will remain

Myself.

Who else

Could I be?

Climbing Higher

 It’s been a really tough year—for all of us. It has been different than all other years before. In fact, for those of us not born this year, it might be one of the worst years. I’ve had some personal things happen this year, and then the coronavirus pandemic hit. That’s why I was half relieved, half disappointed when I found out I still had to get my shots this year.

These shots I have to get are not “normal”, twelve-year-old shots. The needle is filled with a medicine called Botox. It is made to loosen muscles. As far as I know it can loosen almost any muscle. Botox is used from a comestic standpoint as well as to treat muscular disorders such as cerebral palsy. I have gotten Botox since I was three years old. Back then, it was so painful that my dad had to hold me down across his  lap. I screamed and cried so much that one of the nurses around me started crying, too. 

I get Botox twice every year now, so while I am not used to it, per sé, I know what to expect. It still hurts, but because I get it so regularly, it represents normalcy. Almost no part of this year has been “normal” for me—and most likely, it hasn’t been normal for you, either. It might sound weird that I consider getting six shots in my legs twice a year “normal”, but I’ve never known otherwise. Some kids get shots just at their yearly checkups, if that; I don’t. I do get shots at those yearly checkups; I just don’t mind them. My point is, some of these normal things have made this year a little more tolerable. 

So now I am looser and ready to have an open mind. Who’d have thunk that botox would have affected me like that? That’s 2020. 

So let’s climb higher with our open minds. What are the things that challenge us? Why do those things affect us this way? Is there anything good about those things? What motivates us? 

Botox is one of my challenges. Getting looser is one of the things that motivates me. How about you?

Friendly Fire

 Sometimes—most likely—you’ll find friends that you really like. But sometimes, unfortunately, they won’t know when they are being hurtful.

This is what happened to me. Me, my sister, and two friends were playing a game. It was an athletic game, one where you needed leg strength—which I struggled with. We paired up to play the game, me with my sister, and my two other friends paired up.

“She wouldn’t be a good partner for that,” my friend—the one that I was closer to, actually—said with a glance at me. She then quickly added, “No offense.”

One, the words “no offense” don’t help after someone has said something hurtful. In fact, it might sting even more because afterwards when you might be angry or upset, your friend might either not understand or be defensive, claiming, “I said no offense.” Yeah, you did, but it offended me anyway.

What I learned is, if your friend just tends to say whatever pops into her head, eventually someone has to tell her to be careful with words. So, if it’s you who tells her, then 1) it is most likely someone she respects and 2) you might tell it to her more gently than someone else would.

But if your friend persistently makes insensitive comments even though you advised her not to, then she might not be your friend.  Secondly, if she hurts another one of your friends, then you might have to choose.  My friend that made insensitive comments is now only my acquaintance. But the friend she hurt is a true friend. I know how hard this is to accept. My experience was really challenging at the time, too. In the end, after two days where she did not speak to me, she apologized and things are okay now, but they really aren’t the same as before—like I said, she is now an acquaintance, as much as I hate what happened. 

So, if your friends are being insensitive, don’t wait to tell them that it hurts your feelings. I did wait, because I’m not the kind of person who likes conflict. But in the end, it wasn’t me who incited conflict—I told my friend how I felt, and in the end, she listened.